BitchScopes: The Bitter Bitchy Truth Of The Zodiac

Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

They suck at foreplay. Excellent at getting an erection at a minute’s notice, and perfect for a quickie – but totally suck at foreplay. That’s probably because Aries is also known as the infant of the zodiac, and thus the entire concept of “your wants and desires” is alien to them. However, no matter how smart they are, they’re also the easiest to con. Just appeal to their egos and be a damsel in distress.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

There’s a reason why the word “bully” contains the word “bull”. Represented by the planet Venus, Taurus men and women will always surround themselves by people less attractive than them as it feeds their inherent narcissism to be the “prettiest of them all”. Don’t be fooled by their seemingly cuddly selves, they love their home, their money, their dog, and most of all their food way more than they love you.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

Unreliable. They’re excellent flirts and can sweet-talk their way in and out of all kinds of situations. However, ask them to help you out, and all of a sudden the world around them is turning into a chaotic mess and they just can’t help you as much as they would love to. This is the sign that’s most known to post their relationship status as “It’s Complicated” on Facebook. Gemini’s twins are actually representative of the fact that they have multiple personalities – all of whom enjoy fucking with you.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

Absolutely the worst sign to date! The men will compare you to their mothers (you’ll either be incapable of living up to the saint mommy dearest was, or you’ll remind them constantly of how mommy dearest went all “wire hangers” on them), while women will use passive-aggressive borderline maternal guilt-trips as a weapon. This is the sign that can dish out the cruelest jabs at you and laugh as if it was nothing. However, turn the tables on them, and they’ll howl like a baby about how insensitive you are. In their version of the story, you’ll always be the dastardly villain without any redeeming qualities.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

Google “douchebag” and you’ll find the image of a Leo man. An aggrandizing prick with a god-complex (ancient pagan religion gods, not old testament punisher) who considers his presence a blessing in your life. You have independent thoughts? A Leo man will laugh at your naïveté. Women of this sign are the kind that’ll be addicted to Instagram and pride themselves of having over a million followers while they just follow a handful.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

Virgo rules nags, spinsters, shrews, and any and every archetype that can lead a productive life without you interrupting them. Everything you do, they can do better, which is a blessing and a curse. Why a curse – that’s obvious! Why a blessing? Well, just feign incompetence and have them do your dirty work. It works like a charm, as long as you’re immune to biting criticism. This is the sign that’ll tell you everything that’s wrong with you and will make it a point that you know it. Get rid of them by bringing out their inner hypochondriac.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

They’re whores – period.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

They’re the psycho-ex that won’t let go, the creepy predator that lures you in with a stare, and the kind that will fuck you over literally and figuratively – but always with a motive. A Scorpio never does anything for kicks. Everything they do is fueled by their inherent love for power and domination. Unless you have something to offer them, be it exquisite good looks, a job promotion, a family inheritance, or political connections, a Scorpio will never have any interest in you. If you have none of the above, and yet your Scorpio friend is with you – they’re just using you for their amusement, smirking away while silently judging you for your mediocrity.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter – the roman god that fucked everything that had a heartbeat and didn’t hesitate doing so in any form. This is the sign that’s mastered the art of Tinder and sexting. Their sense of humor is the kind that appeals to the lowest common denominator. This is also the sign that suffers most from “foot in mouth disease”. Commitment and accountability is their biggest phobia, and they’ll only love you as long as you don’t expect either of the above from them. Also, you really don’t wanna ask them the question, “Does this dress make me look fat?”

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

They’re evil ruthless bitches – and they’re proud of it. Next!

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

They’re ruled by Uranus, which makes sense, because this is one sign that’s totally full of shit. This is the sign that’s most capable of starting cults where initiates need to perform kinky sex rituals on a regular basis. They’re the kinds who’ll at one moment act like you’re the center of the world, and at the next, treat you like a complete stranger. Aquarius rules beatniks, hippies, punks, grunge, and most of all – hipsters. Thus, it’s impossible to believe they love you, because for all you know, they’ll love you ironically.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

Known famously as the “Dustbin of the zodiac,” Pisces is forever attached to lost causes. If you’re dating one, it means you’re the lost cause that they’re taking great pride in fixing. The longer you take to “fix” the longer they’ll stay with you – as long as they believe you’re on the path of changing. This is why Marge Simpson is best a Pisces, who still holds onto hope that Homer will change for her. If you’re down in the dumps, have nothing going on for you, and are a loser in every sense of the word – don’t fret, there will always be a Pisces out there who’ll love you. (They’re also excellent in bed.)